23 is the Loneliest Number
by Gothenheim.J
Summary: Walter Sparrow, dogcatcher by day, avenging angel by night. What is the truth behind the number 23? The number that seems to dictate the course of his life....
1. Chapter 1

Walter Sparrow got up and said "AAAAAALLLLLL HA-RIGHTY THEN!!!" he was Jim Carrey with long hair and he didn't know that his world would come crashing down today 23 times it was november plus december the 23rd, and he looked at his clock it was 23:23 in military time "LAHOOOOOO----SER!" he howled and scratched his ear with his foot.

He kissed his wife Agatha on her forehead, he kissed her twice, then he kissed her three times, "I'm so glad you're not a crazy killer any more!" she said?

"I WAS A CRAZY KILLER?! OH NO!!!!" he said and then fell down, "I'm CURSED!" he screaming!

Jim Carrey woke up and he said "wow I am so glad that was a dream, and that the number 23 doesn't control our lives!" Walter Sparrow said, then looked over to his wife Agatha, "did I used to be a crazy killer?" he asked his wife Agatha, "suddenly, a gang of big bulging black men burst into the bedroom

"I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!  
I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!  
I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU! I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!" screamed the leader of the black men, who was 23 years old and named Toothree.

"No!" screamed Jack Sparrow in the top of his lungs, "Don't rape my wife or me!" then the black men raped his wife 23 times, they raped her so hard that she had a head explosion and died. "NOOOOOO!!!!" it was on that day that Walter Sparrow vowed he would once again become a crazy killer and revenge himself on the one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one that had ruined his life

in the process he would discover and unravel a mystery that had enshrouded the whole world in the illuminati shroud, and decode the code that was hiding all the truths of this universe and paralell universes controlled by the Reptilians from Lemuria

"I am no longer Walter Sparrow" said Jim Carrey as he applied his The Crow face-paint to his handsome chiseled face, I am a crazy killer superhero named Fingerling!" and he laughed a crazy laugh!

He knew just how to find the black guys who did this to him, they would be his first victims...

He grabbed the phone book and turned to page 23, then counted down 23 names

"So, Marsha Wallace," Fingerling chortled, "I hope you like being dead, because that's what you're going to be!" and he laughed!  
Fingerling called her up and it was very suspenseful as he listened to the phone call ringing, "Don't you know what time it is," the woman answered, "My name is Hiddon C. Krets. TELL ME ABOUT 23!!!!!" Fingerling screaming into the phone, he was doing detective work like in a good suspense thriller or even Noir, like in Sin City, that's what he was doing---he was like Marv in Sin City and his wife was a dead whore.

"23?" answered the woman with a haughty laugh, "You are a punk! You are a punk and are looking for my no-goodnick gangster son, going by the name of Toothree! That boy is a menace!"

"THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION MA'AM" Fingerling said with a bloody sneer, "now I'm going to behead your son and bring you his head so you can look at his head that I have in my hand, holding it by the hair, his eyes will look at you and his mouth will move but he will not be alive because he is beheaded! This isn't Bones starring Snoop Dogg, this is the real world and I am Fingerlicking the horrible punishing superhero!" 

"NO! NO! DON'T HURT MY BOY!" she screamed but he was already cackling and riding his death-mobile over to Wharf 23, where her son was entertaining his gang by selling 23 stolen Playstation 3s on Ebay"

Fingerling's talon grip grappled the steering as he screamed his way down to the Wharf. "Two plus one plus ten plus five plus five is 23," he mused "R2D2 has the number 2 in his name, twice, 2. C-3PO has the number 3 in his name, and three letters. 2, 3, 23. George Lucas was 23 when he first thought up STAR WARS, on the 23rd anniversary of STAR WARS' release I lost my virginity to a 23 year old girl, I was 24, 24 minus 1 is 23!"

he pulled into the driveway with a screech, now it was totally noir like Sin City, and he was no longer Walter Sparrow, he was the avenger, Fingering!!!!

"NOW YOU HAVE MET YOUR DOOM, CRIMINALS!!!!" he screamed, "I AM ACTUALLY A CRAZY SERIAL KILLER BUT I FORGOT ABOUT IT!!!"

"Oh no!" yelled Toothree, because he thought The Crow was coming to kill him because Fingerling was dressed like The Crow and he said "Kill his bird and it'll make him mortal!" but it was too(three) late, Fingerling has already slit his throat and the black's black blood went gushing out of his neck and all over his playstation 3s, 

"Shit!" one of the othe rblack guys said, "Now we'll never be able to sell them on Ebay!"  
"You have bigger problems than that!" Screamed Fingerling, "LAAAAA-HOOOOOO-SER!!!" and he cut a gigantic L into the black dude's forehead with his switchblade knife, cutting into the skull and letting the brains ooze out. "I got 23 problems, but a bitch ain't one!" cackled Jim Carrey, "RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT!" he yelled as he thrust his fist into the heart of another black dude and ripped out his guts and intestines and wound them up along his arm, "WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG" and he hooked the intestines around the black guy's neck

"BLACK" and he grabbed the gun out of the crotch pocket of the negro's pants

"DUDE?!" and then weilding his gun like a natural colored, he blasted a smoking hole right between the spook's yellow eyes

the rest of the black guys ran away after they saw this

it was Fingerling's first night of vengeance, but not his last... he knew someone besides these nocturnal blighters was responsible for his misery, and not someone as easily scared as these, these people whom he scared as easily as raccoons... there was someone huge behind this whole thing, behind everything

he would find out

who it was

and what was the secret behind the number 23...?


	2. Chapter 2

Walter Sparrow was a man living two lives... he was by day Walter Sparrow, recently windowed dog catcher who was the offical man who takes care of dogs in the city, living with his son the Robin "Nightwing" Sparrow.

By the light of the moon however he was the crazy serial killer, Fingerling!

the other life he had was a second life besides these two.  
In his second life he was the mysterious Topsy Kretts, author who would write about all the crap he would do at night as Fingerling in a book he was ghost riding called The Number 23-2, a sequel to his previous work, The Number 23.

On April 19 he was out catching dogs, and he said to himself "tonight I will be catching bigger dogs than these, criminals who i'm gonna kill!"

He followed a barky dog into the cemetary with his dog catching net, "where are you leading me, dog!" he screamed

"I am leading you to your destiny" the sly dog answered.

"A TALKING DOG?!" Walter Sparrow said, "I REALLY MUST BE GOING BONKERS! Hey dog, let me ASS you a question" then he turned around and bent over and spread his buttcheeks "WHAT IS THE MEANING BEHIND THE NUMBER 23?!"

"the number 23 can be found in every aspect of the world, my friend" said the dog "but you don't know where to look"

the dog ran to row 23 of the graveyard and pissed on the 23rd grave. Walter Sparrow went and readthe name on the grave... Xierxiei St. Raymond

"I HAVE GIVEN YOU ALL THE TOOLS YOU NEED" said the dog and leapt away

"all the tools I need?" questioned Walter Sparrow? "but I don't understand"

----

Later that night, Fingerling put his son to bed, "Good night little Robin, your father is going to do his special crazy serial killer work" he said

then he went to work

he huffed and he puffed by the lamplight

23 was in everything in the world, the dog said  
but what significance did the grave have with 23?!

then it came to him: ROMAN NUMBERALS  
every name has a numerical value and you get it by taking all the roman numeral values and adding them together  
Xierxiei  
X 10 i 1 x 10 i 1 i 1 TWENTY THREE

23 St. Raymond street

his next destination

Fingerling put on his Crow makeup and chuggalugged away into the darkness of the death night.

At 23 Raymond Street, Larry Talbot lit a cigarette. his cigarette was like the fires of hellfire burning in the blackness of hell.

he swished his leathern cape and addressed his pirate brood:

"I GOT NEWS FOR YOU TONIGHT" he growled with a doglike bark, "TONIGHT MY DROOGS WE MEET THE LATEST PUPPET OUR BOSSES SET UP"

the tyrannical hoods set up a howl and lit fireworks that blasted apart a one-eyed man's hand who let out a boisterous huzzah!

the fiends hung from the chandaliers and lifted great goblets of steaming hot blood, and the goblets were skulls

Larry Talbot jumped upon a table and did a jig "THAT'S RIGHT!" he growled and gnashed his teeth, "TONIGHT WE GET TO MEET THE NEW BOY IN TOWN" and then he stylishly flung a book on the table, it was The Number 23, "TOPSY KRETTS!!!!!"

the hellish horde ululated and banged the table as he danced to a gipsy tune

"Now I ain't gonna lie to you men, he's a real tough fighter and he's gonna kill some of ya!" the men cheered and took each other arm in arm! they were the most unabashed piratical pirates who ever smuggled a run!

"You may be aware of when he killed our boys down by the wharf last week and stopped the sale of stolen Playstations on EBAY!" the men booed and spat black bile upon the floor, "Well that caught attention of THE BOSS! and he wants to meet this chap! But he needs us to capture him! DOUBLOONS FOR EVERY MAN AND PIECES O' EIGHT!!!"

Larry Talbot raised one leg on a chair and swung one arm to his hip in the posture of a right bravo

inwardly he thought to himself "perhaps now, after so many decades of torment, they will see fit to end my curse... my curse of immortality, and my curse of being cursed!"


	3. Chapter 3

You see a lot in this city when you're a crazy serial killer detective driven by the drive you have, the drive to discover the driving truth that's been driven into your mind, the truth about numbers, the number 1 truth, about the number 23.

I was following up my latest lead, a lead given to me by a dog, a dog in a cemetery that was full of graves in the graveyard, he was looking for a bone maybe or a dame or a rain that would wash away all the scum of this city, well if he was looking for the latter then he found it because he found me and I'm that rain.

I took a look at the building from under the brim of my stylish and totally noir fedora that I wore with my black trenchcoat and my The Crow makeup and I bit down hard on a candy cigarette in my mouth, then spat it out into the rain gutter that was filled with the garbage waste of mankind that festered like festering boils infesting the city, the festering boils I called criminals.

I walked into the place, it was dirty, too dirty. "This place looks dirty," I said and mused "not as dirty as this city, the city of scum and villainy; a hive if you will of the bees that make honey, but their honey is gross and evil and not sweet at all."

That's when I saw her. The dame looked like a dame right out of the classic book of broads. She had on a red dress, "Topsy Kretts?" she asked and instantly I was intrigued. Nobody knew that I was Topsy Kretts, nobody.

"How do you know that I'm Topsy Kretts, dame?" I asked the dame. She slithered up in her red dress and let a strap fall, exposing her breast. The dame had three nipples. Two breasts. Three nipples. Twenty-three. Now I understood.

"Now I understand" I said to the dame who looked at me with a sultry stare, the sultry and seductive snakelike stare of the femme fatale that you see in many Noir movies and comic books, you know the type, well this was her right in the flesh, the succulent, sexy, flesh, and with hair that smelled like cherry blossoms. I'd like to blossom her cherry, if you know what I mean.

"I gotta ass you a question" I said gruffly, and prepared to turn around and seperate my ass-cheeks. "Please, Mister Kretts, there's no time for foreplay," said the dame as she slenderly smoked a cigarette and held aloft a glass of bourbon. This dame was Eve and Delilah and all them bitches rolled into one.

"And may I have the pleasure of your name?" I asked her

"Tipsy," she said, "Topsy" I smiled then she kissed me and I spit out lit cigarette butts on the ground

I was entranced by this sleeping beauty and the beast before me. She led me down a dusky hallway down to room 23. "This is where you'll be entertained by my associates Mr. Kretts" the lousy dame said, then ushered me in the door.

-----

"GET HIM, BOYS!!!" Larry Talbot screeched with his gruff and manly voice.  
The pirate brood rushed upon the unsuspecting Fingerling, but not so unsuspecting as to not rip out a man's eye with his bare fingers, which is what he did. "NOW YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME FINGER LING!" he taunted as he stuffed the glassy orb into the mouth of his victim and gave him a swift slap to the cheek that broke his neck.

"I thought your name was Topsy Kretts," Talbot said with a sneer.  
"And what the hell is this thing here that you're doing trying to get the jump on me anyhow" Fingerling said?

"My bosses want to meet you" said Talbot, "yeah well why don't they come get me, then!" and Fingerling matrix-jumped on top of Talbot's shoulders and broke his neck with his fine muscular thighs, then flipped the limp body into the pirate brood. The rest of the bumptious crew advanced but Fingerling was too quick. He drew his penknife and jabbed it into some guy's throat, laughing like a robot or something you know how Jim Carrey does it when he laughs like he does. He slammed out the penknife and the guy's wound erupted in a jet of blood as he staggered around and went "BLAUUAUAUAAAAUUUURRRAAAAUUUUUGH!!!" 

The jet of blood smashed into the face of another of his compatriots and Fingerling pointed his fingerling at him and said "You're next!" The guy freaked out and started to run but tripped and then Fingerling ripped out his brains.

Fingerling next slammed a hook-handed bravo against the wall and tore open his jugular with his teeth. The bloodspray was amazing! All over everything! All over the ceiling! All over the walls! The windows! The chairs! The table! The brigand fell down in a heap and it was then that Fingerling saw something very strange. Larry Talbot had risen up broken neck and all, and was coming toward him with cutlass drawn!

"Hey! No fair!" Fingerling shouted and flung a corpse onto Talbot's sword, knocking it out of his hand. Talbot looked at him with rage and fury in his eyes, and grabbed a candlestick. He ran to the window and set the curtains on fire. Fingerling was about to pursue him when suddenly

BANG! RATTATTATTATTATTATTA

Tipsy broke down the door and had a machinegun in her hands and she laughed with pearly white teeth it was incredibly hot to see such a hot girl with a gun in her hands. Fingerling ducked out of the way and saw Talbot give a long howl at the moon before jumping out of the window. "I knew I never should have trusted a broad!" Fingerling yelled and threw his penknife into Tipsy's incredible breast, making her fall on her back. The room had caught on fire. Fingerling went up to the girl. "Please," she said "Please, they made me do it, I didn't want to. I'll do anything"

"Anything, huh?" Fingerling bit his lip and stomped around "Anything! Anything!"

Then he grabbed the beautiful vixen by the throat and tore out his penknife

"OH RE

HEE

HEE

HEE

HEEEEEEEEAAALLY?"

"NOOOOO!!!!!" she screamed in horror as he plunged the penknife again and again into her stomach and she writhed around the shining blood spurting out from her beautiful body as he violated her again and again with his penknife. She shuddered and spat up blood from her mouth as Fingerling gripped her neck tightly and picked up her half-dead body from the ground by one hand.

"OH GOD!!!" she coughed out as he cruelly held her up against the burning flames of the curtains.

"IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU!!!" laughed Fingerling with a bloody sneer as her flesh began to burn and her dress cuaught fire and her hair caught fire and her skin started to melt, then finally he took his other hand and slit her throat, then hurled her through the pane-glass window.

"Dames," Fingerling thought, "They're the most dangerous animal of all."

Then, POOF... he was gone...


	4. Chapter 4

"yawn!" i screamed at the top of my crazy serial killer lungs, i got a rise on the morning and looked out over the city, my city, this city of sleep that was about to be awakened by my gloved leathery hands, a seedy motel was where I woke up, filled with seeds and grit and it was a torture hostel.

I'd been following the torture hostel rackets to see if I could get a leg up on the Number 23 and what it means to me. Sometimes I would rip open their' skulls to get them to talk.  
Sometimes I would rip out their skulls. I came to this Hostel when I saw it had been in business for 23 years... that was significant...

I liked to smoke in the mornings like this, when the smoke from my cigarette could look like a big black cloud over the horizen and look over there, if it isn't the naked gagged and bound torture-meister of this torture hostel I was in...

"PLEASE!" he cried out with his torture-meister voice shaking in fear, "LET ME GO I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!!" "someone tried to kill me, I said and chopped off his finger with my kukri knife, someone whose neck the guy i snapped his neck and he got up and left like nothing happened!!!" "I DON'T KNOWWWWWW!!!" the guy said so I jabbed my burning cigarette into his eye "OWEEEEEEE" he moaned.

I looked over the torture instruments of the torture hostel, it looked like something out of a torture hostel. Hot american coeds lay in pieces everywhere... some of them even hadn't been killed by me, when I infiltrated the torture club earlier as a paying customer and said "23 college students please" and got to torture them all to death, it gave me a huge boner and i jerked off before I went to bed, but not before tying up the torturemeister...

"you're useless to me, torturemeister... I gotta know the truth behind the number 23 and you are gonna tell me, OR I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU IN YOUR STUPID FACE!!!" and I picked up a gun and shot him in his stupid face, his stupid face disappeared and was replaced by a black hole of guts spewing from his head-bowl, it looked like I was in an Italian restaurant and got a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs with breadsticks. If I was at an Italian Restuarant, tipped the waitress because she was very cute and was probably trying to work her way through college, I loved the way that her Olive Garden apron showed off her figure and accentuated her black cotton pants that I wanted to rip off and stuff my dingaling into her...

Suddenly dogs broke through the windows, there were one of them. The dog looked at me with his doggy face and his puppydog eyes filled with the essence of canines. "You're in the wrong place FINGERLING," he said chuckling as he munched away on the kibbles and bits inside the head-bowl that was sitting on the dead torturemeister's neck-pole, "you followed my tip, huh? But you didn't find out any information? Well okay I'll tell you then sicne you had to go and kill evberyonne there... you're looking for a man named Baron Latos... he's the head of a secret, secret organization that has used the Number 23 to control the world for centuries... Perhaps if you hadn't noticed, churches are all built with 23 pillars and altars are at 23 angles, there are mostly churches in the 23rd latitude and churches are mostly built by stonemasons, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING, FINGERLING?!"

"THE ILLUMINATI!!!!" I cried out and suddenly it all made sense

"and now fingerling i leave you with a figth"

"a gift?" irepeated?"

"YES!" said the doggy licking his black adorable lips, and then he nuzzled over the corpse of one of the 23 college coeds I'd tortured to death, "Enjoy," he said and then bounded out the window

I went over and examined the corpse. The girl had been stabbed 23 times in various places around her body I knew that much, because I'd done it, but what did he want me to see? Then I saw, it was a piece of her flesh cut out like a Jigsaw Puzzle, and inscribed in her blood and veins was a message just for me "I work for Latos, I am Cancerhead the Jigsaw Killer, come to my warehouse castle full of traps and I will lead you to where you need to go" and there was an address too "23 Wharf Avenue"

I was about to leave when I heard a moan coming from the body "SHE'S STILL ALIVE!" I screamed and whooped and halloed in joy, then I raped her barely conscious until she passed out again and I slit her throat and came all over her tits.


	5. Chapter 5

I stepped onto the dusky dirt of the dreary droor and opened the door to 23 Wharf Avenue, one finger to my cool and stylish totally noir fedora like Michael Jackson. So this was Cancerhead's playground, his warehouse-castle of traps, traps that would go off like a bear trap and trap the heart of my leg of my heart in its vise-like grip with teeth that are metal and gross like the city i worked in, a metaphor for that city filled with vice and ugliness, filled to the brim with a measuring cup that filled up to 23 ounces and poured it out 24/7 over the 23 square miles of the city.

I began to move my head around on my neck like I was a bird or a black woman and then I stuck out my teeth and brayed like a donkey, "BRRWWOOAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEUOOOOUUUUGH!!!" I kicked over a carboard box and there was a tape inside with instructions on it "fast forward 23 minutes" but where was the tape player? "CANCERHEAD, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" I yelled with fire in my heart, "YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A TAPE PLAYER"

But it was a trap. Stupid old man, you fell for a trap. How come you fell for a trap? You're stupid, you stupid old man. It was a trap, stupid. You stupid old man. All around me, Cancerhead's hellish brood the Jigsaw Puppetmasters were crowding menacingly on their tricycles. Suddenly a deep voice, deep like the grand canyon or a hole in a garden, or the pockets of my pants, started to boom out quietly from the mouse of the Jigsaw Puppetmasters. "HELLO WALTER. I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME."

"PLAY THIS! YOU'LL BE PUSHIN' UP DAISIES IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE BARON LATOS IS AND ABOUT THE NUMBER 23!" and then i flung off my fedora like Twoface in James Bond, and it cut the head off the Jigsaw Puppetmaster Emperor, who exploded in a starry display that made me appreciate the way that the universe was lit up with so many stars that looked like the Jigsaw Puppetmaster Emperor exploding because my fedora cut through his neck circuits which caused him to explode like a gigantic furnace of explosions. Suddenly a Black Command Jigsaw Puppetmaster advanced forward, and replaced the Jigsaw Puppetmaster Emperor. "FOOL!" he cried, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE CANCER!" So, Cancerhead the Jigsaw Killer was talking through the Puppetmasters. They weren't Puppetmasters at all, they were just puppets, like the puppets from Puppetmaster!

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR CANCER YOU BALD SON OF A BITCH!" I slammed my feet against the ground and clenched my fists and punched at the air in front of me, "GIVE ME BARON LATOS!"

"If you wanted to see Baron Latos you would have let the pirate brood capture you," chuckled Cancerhead, "they worked for him after all. He's very eager to see you. But I'm afraid I have my own plans for you! You see, I want to play a game!"

You said that already, I thought. Senile, cancerous old fart. You old fart, you senile. I hope you rot in your iron lung you cancer victim, you stupid cancer victim, you're a stupid stupid cancer victim, I thought.

"If you win my game, you get to see Baron Latos. If you lose, you die and I eat your soul!!!!!!!!!!! MMMMM!!!! SOULS TASTE SO GOOD, THEY MAKE ME FORGET I HAVE CANCER! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, IT'S REALLY AWFUL TO HAVE CANCER!"

"Okay," I said, "I'll play your the game." The door into the main keep of the warehouse-castle opened with a thunder and lightning show as Cancerhead cackled menacingly, HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!

As I walked through the glowing red doorway into the warehouse-castle I could hear Cancerhead's taunting voice over the loudspeakers installed in his castle full of traps: "Walter Sparrow..." Cancerhead asked, "just how much do you appreciate your life? How much do you appreciate not having cancer? What will you do to survive? To what lengths will you go to not die, like me, because I have cancer?"


	6. Chapter 6

Cancerhead cackled in his chair hooked up to awful IVs that fed blood into his arms because that is how he lived by sucking the blood of people who did not have cancer.

"WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO, JACK SPARROW?" he cackled with a monstrous cackle that was like evil breath breathing up out of his mouth in a laugh, "WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO LIVE?!" and he pushed a button that released deadly bees into the air

deep below in the cavernous depths of the warehouse castle, Fingerling saw the deadly bees buzzing at him with razors attached to their heads, they were like bees that were bullets, "DAMN!" he yelled, "BULLET BEES!!!!"

suddenly the crackle of the loudspeaker crumbled his cookie, "YES! YES! I'M SO INTO THIS!!! NOW YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, SPARROW! NOW YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE **TO HAVE CANCER!**"

Fingerling thought fast and looked over to his side, the bees still BRRROOOOWWWW damn! Look out, Fingerling! That bee almost got you, man! Holy shit, here comes another one! Holy fuck, bees! the bees circled like vultures that were also bees circling a rotting piece of Mufasa, Simba's father who got killed by antelopes and Whoopi Goldberg.

Fingerling crossed his arms and he had guns in his arms and he barrelled down the hallway of the warehouse castle, barely avoiding several guillotines and a pendulum and also holes in the walls that shot out darts. The bees followed close behind, so fast that they looked like flying fireballs.

He rounded a corner and then a glass wall came crashing down into the dusty must of the floor. The speakers crumpled again, "SPARROW" came the deadly sweet and gentle voice of Cancerhead the Jigsaw Killer as a TV screen flipped on and a Jigsaw Puppet started talking to him, "I WANT TO PLAY A GAME."

suddenly a spotlight lit a spot in front of him where his son Robin "The Nightwing" Sparrow was strapped to an eclectic chair filled with needles and syringes and also rusty nails, it looked like someone had dragged him through mud and slathered him in sand and also it was very grimy and Jigsaw said "if you want to stop the bees you will need the jar of honey inside your son's rib cage, are you willing to bust open his ribcage to get it? are you really that badass? and if you are then who is truly the monster here, me or you? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha ah ahah hah ha ha ha ha haha you have 23 seconds make your choice"

"THERE'S NO CHOICE TO BE MADE I'M FUCKIN CRAZY" yelled Fingerling and then he went Rambo on his son's ass and tore him to pieces like The Hulk, punching into his ribcage and breaking off bones and then before he threw them away he would suck out the marrow and howl, eventually he found the heart and he bit into it with the ferociousness of a kitten batting a fuzzy ball while his son screamed and screamed and blood bust up out of his mouth and the holes in his neck and the places where his limbs were torn off and his chest and then he collapsed into a pile of goop and EUREKA! There was the jar of honey!"

Fingerling grabbed the jar of honey and held it over his head then he threw it into the furnace (there was a furnace) just as the bees broke down the glass wall and went careening for him but instead they followed the honey and so his quick thinking had saved the day.

"Impressive," Cancerhead mused, "I believe you're starting to understand what it is like to have cancer. But first let's play another game. This one is called connect the dots!"

and in front of Fingerling there lit up a big arena filled with 23 promiscuous teenagers stripped naked and strapped naked to poles each one had a number tattooed on their tummies in BLOOD and Cancerhead chortled "surely even you are not so inhuman to pass this next game where what you have to do is connect the dots WITH THEIR INTESTINES these people are innocent Fingerling, are you willing to become a murderer instead of an avenging angel of death my soul reaver?"

"you clearly know less about me than you presume, SOULTAKER!!!!" fingerling chortled "you are losing your touch, Cancerhead; where is the master gamester, the dungeon master who outnerds every nerd with cancer by using his cancer filled head to come up with devious twists and turns that only the truly most geniously minids can navigate? where is the minitor in this labrinth of horror and where is ariadne to give me a piece of string where is hansel and grettle losing their nuts out in the woods and getting ate by a wicked old witch, where is the randomly generated instances on your board, CHESSMASTER oh CANCERHEAD i have solved your JIGSAW PUZZLE!!!!!!"

and with the rapidity of a bear he launched himself into the arena but then he was surprised as the speakers activated again "YOU ARE MISTAKEN I AM QUITE THE GENIOUOUS" and then suddenly the room filled with fire and brimstone, "ANY TIME YOU STEP ON A PLACE YOUR NOT SPOSED TO THE FLOOR EXPLODES" also he has to rip out their intestines and drag them across the floor and he's gotta do it while they're alive cause if he doesn't then the ceiling which is made from spikes crushes him

NOOOO!!! Fingerling wrenched his fist into the guts of a gorgeous young woman who shuddered and sputtered like she was having the best orgasm of her life but if she was having an orgasm it wasn't the orgasm of her life it was the orgasm of her DEATH. he dragged out her intestines and went to number 2, and with one hand he pulled out Number 2's intestines and with the other he looped number 1's around number 2's head so that it stayed in place  
number 2 went ot number 3 which he nailed his intestines to that guy's throat with a big oversided mallet because he was like like in that one movie THE MASK where Jim Carrey could become a cartoon, this is what happened here because he was moving so fast he became a cartoon and he went next to number 4 and he KICKED out his intestines so hard they SHOT OUT OF HIS ASS and splattered all over number 5 and then number 5 got his DICK RIPPED OUT and his intestines DRAGGED THROUGH HIS DICK HOLE and then number 6, well Fingerling BIT INTO HIM AND TORE OPEN HIS GUTS THAT SPILLED ON THE FLOOR and then he RAN WITH HIS INTESTINES IN HIS MOUTH to number 7 who he cut open with a KNIFE and FORK and sampled his intestines like Chef Boyardee "Is very nice" --Chef Boyardee he said, and slapped on over to number 8 whose intestines he crushed out with a vise grip and then number 9 whose intestines he conjured out of his belly button with a flute like a snake charmer, number 10 he pretended to be a polynesian faith healer and reached into his side but instead of faking it HE REALLY TORE OUT THE GUY'S GUTS and so on until he finally got to number 23

"WAIT A MINUTE" he cried out, "what do I do with number 23, I don't got nowhere to put this chick's intestines"

"FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF NUMBSKULL" came Cancerhead's devious answer then he laughed and suddenly the instestine-drawing caught on fire, now somoene looking from space or the ceiling could tell what it is like th Nascar lines in the desert, it formed an image the intestines did, and that image was the Seal of the Illuminati

suddenly overcome with fire, the floor dropped into a bottomless pit "WHOOOOOOA" Fingerling said comically and then grappled into the busty babe's chest and felt up her insides to grab hold of her intestines which he clung onto to stop himself from falling into the pit

the stake she was tied to started to rise... it was an elevator...


	7. Chapter 7

KAKRANG  
the elevator came to a stop at the top floor of the Warehouse Castle

Fingerling swung round on the girl's intestines and lighted on a platform to his side, "hmm, he said, this Cancerhead is trickier than I thought."

"YEEEESS!!" the crackling voice of Cancerhead came crackling over the crackling intercom. "And your tests are not over yet, Walter "Topsy Kretts" Sparrow" for I have many cards up my sleeves, and I am like David Cooperfield, when I shoot these cards out of my sleeves they will become doves and fly into the rafters and then I will make the Statue of Liberty disappear!"

"So, that's your plan..." Fingerling growled and stamped his foot on the groaning ground, "I WON'T LET YOU TOUCH LADY LIBERTY!!!!"

"Indeed," Cancerhead said calmly, "But first you must overcome my challenges! This is how the game works, and I am the merry gamester with cancer! Despair, Walter Sparrow! You are paying for your sins in killing the men of the Baron! This is TRIBUTE to him! Now you will know the powers of Darkness that sustain me even in my cancer-riddled state; Walter Sparrow, your day of reckoning is come, and at the end of the day after you've done exercising and brushed your teeth, you will bow down as an obedient servant to my Lord and Master, the King of Darkness, the Master of the Void, Baron Latos! On your knees, worm, and beg his mercy on your behalf! When you killed his men, you insulted my Lord directly, and so I punish you on his behalf! Yet after your sins are purged, you shall join us in the reign of Darkness that is to come! Now, Walter Sparrow, show me what you are capable of! Show me what you are willing to do to survive! SHOW ME YOUR TRUE SELF, WALTER SPARROW! SHOW ME THE DEPTHS OF DEPRAVITY TO WHICH THE HUMAN SOUL IS CAPABLE OF DESCENDING! WALTER SPARRRRRROOOOOOOW!!!!"

Suddenly the Warehouse Castle began to shake and shimmy like Little Richard or The Big Bopper, and a sound like thunder and a light like lightning happened and then slowly Walter Sparrow saw a shadow rising in the mists of darkness before him. He approached with a steely resolution. It was a white container with a circular door. To the right of the container was a pile of clothes, and next to that, two bottles filled with sweet-smelling liquid.

"I'd like to play a game." Cancerhead intoned from his speaker-existence. "What are you willing to subject yourself to, Walter Sparrow? Will you even do my laundry? Doesn't that make you sort of like a woman? Do you really want to be a woman? Isn't that kind of degrading? You would be like my wife. Are you a homo or something? Here's the deal though, the bleach and detergent, if you put in too much of either, poison gas escapes and strangles you. If you put in too little, it explodes and kills you.

Walter Sparrow looked at the task before him and screamed, this was too much. "Cancerhead!" he yelled, "why do't you come out and fight me like a man with cancer who is in a wheelchair? Are you ascared?"

"PLAY MY GAME WALTER SPARROW BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" said Cancerhead, and the intercom clicked off.

Walter had had enough, he was through playing these dumb my little pony games, he picked up the detergent and bleach and poured them all down into the wash. With a SWOOSH, Poison Gas jumped out of the washer door and nearly cut off his head.

"I AM POISON GAS," Poison Gas said, "THE FIRST OF BARON LATOS' FOUR GENERALS OF THE TRIBE OF DARKNESS. YOU WILL FALL AT MY BLADE FINGERLING"

Poison Gas ran about the room with his ninja quickness and nobody could see him cuz he was a ninja, he circled Walter laughing badly and occassionally he would strike at Fingerling with his blade forged from ugliness and evil and then he would go underground and pop up in a different place because ninjas can do that, and occassionally he would turn into smoke because ninjas can do that and teleport behind Fingerling because ninjas can teleport.

"You're too fast! but you're not fast enough!" Fingerling yelled in anger at the stealthy ninja who was flipping himself from wall to wall throwing throwing stars at him, Fingerling shook rattled and rolled out of harm's way. Poison Gas moved in behind him with silence cuz he was wearing sneakers (that's what they're for is sneaking) but Fingerling wasn't fooled by his ninja ways. He took his penknife and jabbed it into Poison Gas' eye and his eye exploded into an explosion of blood that poured out of his eyehole that was there where his eye used to be but it wasn't anymore because it got stabbed to death and disappeared and blood was shooting out of his eye hole like a firehose was inside his head, a firehouse filled with blood that was putting out fires not with water, but with blood.

Wordlessly the Ninja smoke teleported in front of Fingerling, and Fingerling tried to kick his ass but it was an illusion, the real Poison Gas was behind him still, and Poison Gas took a garrote and started strangling Fingerling, but he was having none of it so what he did was he launched himself in the air, right, holding onto the garrote, and he did like a somersault over Poison Gas and behind him so now the garrote was on the other neck!!! All Poison Gas' elite ninja skills of the Tribe of Darkness could not help him escape Fingerling's crazy insanity and he strangled him to death, he stangled him so hard that his head popped off!!!

"I'll be taking this" Fingerling said as he took the head with his hands, "I'll show this to Cancerhead and see if he doesn't get scared that I'll rip off his cancerhead!"

DING! the washing machine was done, but Cancerhead's clothes were ruined. The door to continue opened silently with a creak...


	8. Chapter 8

The crazy punishing superhero detective Fingerling walked down the dank dusty hallways of Cancerhead, The Jigsaw Killer, his warehouse castle; a warehouse castle, full of traps, the warehouse castle of doom. He was a man. He was a man in search of the truth. The truth about the number 23, a number that seemed to dog him like the dogs that dogged him in his day-walker life as a dogcatcher. Who was the mysterious Baron Latos, who was like the wizard of Oz that everyone spoke about but nobody ever saw? Was he a huge green head? Was he a man behind a cur tan? Nobody knew except for the man he was about to see. Fingerling had given up everything to come this far. He had killed his own son, and a lot of other people. Soon he would know the truth, the truth about everything. He lowered his very noir fedora like he was a man on a mission, like he was a private dick looking for a hole he could peep through with his keen eye and squirt out the juice on some wrongdoers' capers. His The Crow makeup completed the ensemble and made him look extreme. He finally arrived at Cancerhead's keep, and ran at the door so he could karate-kick it open

"CAAAAAAAAAABLE GUUUUUUUUUUUYY!!!!" he announced himself as he barrel rolled straight into the den of the heart of the beast. Cancerhead stood seated on his wheelchair throne surrounded by the glowing red lights of his imposing stained glass windows, he was on the top floor of the highest tower in the warehouse castle, the control center for his gigantic warehouse of torture where he killed so many people to test their will to live, because this is what his motivations were, that's his mythos, he wanted people to appreciate not having cancer. 

Cancerhead sat robed in a very evil looking bathrobe with a hood on it, he looked every bit the crazy serial killer. "Tell me, Fingerling," he said in his soft and gentle vocie that was weak cause he had cancer in every part of his body, "are we not the same? We are both crazy serial killers though technically I have never killed anyone I've just put them in my warehouse full of traps and told them 'If you appreciate not having cancer you'll rip out your own eyeballs and get a key in two pieces from them and then open a door before the room explodes into flames also you have to do it in 30 seconds GO!' but so few have the will to live... so few appreciate not having cancer... no, Fingerling, I am not a killer... but you are... and this pleases my master..."

But Fingerling wasn't listening. Fingerling was in a punishing mood! So he jumped on top of Cancerhead's desk and then grabbed the guy's head and SMASHED IT INTO THE BACK OF HIS CHAIR. Cancerhead's hood fell off and beneath was a weak white haired old dude (weak because he had cancer) filled with IVs and a breathing face mask. "LISTEN UP YOU WICKED OLD FART, I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR JOLLY LITTLE GAMES, NOW I'M GONNA SLICE UP YOUR EYEBALLS" and he yanked Cancerhead down to the ground and took out his switchblade and then slashed up Cancerhead's eyeball with it. Cancerhead screamed and screamed and screamed as his eyeball burst into blood and water and goop, and Fingerling laughed and laughed, he laughed a horrible toothy laugh as he yanked out Cancerhead's eyeball Uma-Thermon style and fed it into his mouth, then he took out Poison Gas' horrible grey bloodless head and held it up to Cancerhead's cancerous head and screamed at him, "KISS IT! KISS IT!" and Cancerhead kissed Poison Gas straight on the lips. "OH NO!" Cancerhead hissed out softly, "Poison Gas has poisonous skin, I forgot!" 

"That's right, and now before you die you're gonna tell me all about Baron Latos! But before that, Cancerhead the Jigsaw Killer, what's your name?"

"What?"

"I'm not a Fingerling, and you're not a Jigsaw. We're men. With names."

"John."

"John, huh?" Fingerling struck a match and lit a cigarette. He looked badass like a noir detective who'd had enough and had been sent over the edge. "Nice knowing you, John."

And then he took the cigarette out of his mouth and pressed the lit end against Cancerhead's other eyeball, burning it out. Fingerling lifted Cancerhead up and then punched him in the face sending blood and shit flying all over. Then he kicked him in the nuts and burst his ballsac. The balls went tumbling down Cancerhead's legs and out from under his robes. "Oh, Fingerling, you fool! You don't understand! This pain, it's nothing compared to the pain of HAVING CANCER! But if you kill me, you'll never know about Baron Latos! He is a great man. It is through his teachings that I have been able to sustain myself with the blood of my victims, he can help you hone your skills as well... if only you understood the power he grants...YOU DUMMY!"

Cancerhead began to choke though cause of the poison he'd eaten when he kissed Poison Gas. He felt like he was burning up inside, like his insides were turning into goop, because that's what was happening inside him, his insides were turning into goop! He gargled horribly and staggered around "Finally!" he screamed at the top of his cancerous and goopy lungs, which was very quietly really because his lungs were full of cancer and turning to goop, "I feel a pain worse than the pain of having cancer! I feel---COMPLETE!"

"Complete this" quipped Fingerling as he rushed forward and tore off Cancerhead's Jawbone, making his mouth erupt in a fountain of blood as he quivered and fell to the floor and turned into a hissing and smoky pile of manure.

Fingerling scoffed "hmph" and then threw a few dollar bills on Cancerhead's dead body. As he walked away, he could hear the whirring and beeping of Cancerhead's now-useless machinery that kept him alive in that room for so long...

in the dark recesses of the room, Larry Talbot stood in hiding with a wolfish sneer on his face... "this Fingerling is really nutso!" he spat, "he wanted to know where Baron Latos is so bad, but now it's like he doesn't even care! Does the Baron really know what he's doing getting this guy involved with our stuff? I have to figure out some way of getting Fingerling and bringing him to the Baron... but this will take time..."

Outside the warehouse castle, Fingerling looked at the sunset with a cruel and uncaring stare. Tomorrow was another day. Everything connected ot the number 23 somehow, and some day he would figure out just how... no matter that Cancerhead couldn't show him the way anymore... if the number 23 was so prevalent, it would find him. He lit another cigarette and put it in his mouth, then walked away in slow motion. Behind him, the castle exploded.


	9. Chapter 9

On the balcony of the Illuminati headqaurters in the Vatican the dreadful Baron Latos stood standing wearing a cape and a top hat he also had a light brown moustache like he was from the 1800s, and he looked very svelte. The whirling wind wipped about his ears as he stood looking over the distance on the entire world.  
behind him Larry Talbot dropped from the sky and bent on one knee

"Cancerhead has been defeated."  
"Just as I thought. What about Topsy Kretts?"  
"He knows nothing yet."

then there's a closeup of Baron Latos

"Good. Continue the plan."  
"What shall we do about the horrible punishing superhero, sire? he's really crazy do you think we still want to try and get him on our side?"

Baron Latos flung his cape with a furl and laughed a bloody laugh filled with blackness and negroid intent, "are you such a scaredy cat (or should I say, SCAREDY DOG?) that you would even pass up this one opportunity to be rid of your curse, Lawrence, your curse of being immortal? And your curse of being cursed? You know as well as I that the only one who can kill me is The Wolf-man and there can be only one The Wolf-man, who is the father of all werewolves and so to preserve myself he is under my thrall. You have been The Wolf-Man for so long perhaps you are getting comfortable in your shaggy dog skin ho ho ho. But I see your point, Fingerling is far more unstable than I had anticipated, he is really kooky crazy wacko boy!"

Larry Talbot grimaced at being reminded that he was The Wolf-Man because he did not like being The Wolf-Man. He had killed one beautiful gypsy girl who had fallen in love with him too many. "Also my leige my baron, he has killed the first of your four generals of the Tribe of Darkness i am afraid." Baron Latos furrowed his brows, "shit that sucks"  
"we cannot ignore this man this Fingerling, because he is so obsessed with his insane fixation on the number 23 he will find his way to us whether we like him or no. Since our attempts to secure him for our side have failed we should prolly kill him. Wolf-Man! go and resume your role as his guide and lead him into my trap."

"yes sire" said Larry Talbot and jumped straight up into the air and out of sight.

Baron Latos resumed looking out over the evil landscape of the Vatican. "The time shall come" he said "When the Gate of Darkness shall be cast open... All men shall kneel before me..."  
[zoom into his face  
"All shall hail me, Latos, as their new Master! HA HA HA HA..."

"Harrier Harry!" he suddenly cried out and within a moment there was a rumbling like a jet engine and then over the parapets of the Illuminati Headquarters a harrier jet suddenly rose up into the sky and hovered in front of the Baron. The harrier jet had no pilot, but instead a man was standing on the cockpit and he was very manly wearing army fatigues and a beret, he looked like the evilest son of a gun who ever held a gun.

"My baron" he said with a distinctly American accent."  
"Harrier Harry, the second of my four Generals of the Tribe of Darkness, take revenge on the insult paid to your esteemed organization with the death of Poison Gas. Go now, to the Village of Wax! There, meet with my Governers and await Fingerling to kill him!"

"With pleasure, sire. I'll burn his head off with the powerful jet engine rockets in my jet. Hahahaha! He'll wish he never heard the name HARRIER HARRY!" and then with a zoom he was off

---

Back at home, Fingerling woke up screaming "yawn." 23 days had passed since his battle against Cancerhead and life went on like normal, only except now his son was dead. He told everyone that little Robin "Nightwing" Sparrow had simply passed away and that he'd had him cremated. "Heh. True enough" said Sparrow with a grin remembering how his son's body musta burned up when the Warehouse Castle exploded. Only except it wasn't life as normal. His wife was dead and so was his son and there was nobody to stop him from being even crazier than he had been before. He got up that day and said "I got a lot of dogs to catch today" and went out not to catch dogs, but to catch the kind of dogs that are criminals, criminal dogs. He put on his The Crow makeup and went out of doors.

---

Down in a dingy alleyway Fingerling found his first victim of the day. A junkie was shooting up heroin in his arm with a syringe. Fingerling pointed at him and growled "GUILTY." then went up to him and grabbed him by the neck and said "LOOK INTO MY EYES" and then grabbed the man's nutsack with his hands and ripped off his nards filling the alleyway with blood and screams. "I am a superhero!" said Fingerling.

Fingerling walked out into the street all bespattered with the junkie's funky blood and saw a woman jogging cross the street and not do it at a crosswalk. He pointed at her and growled "GUILTY." and then strode over to her and grabbed her by the neck. Her eyes pleaded "no" but his teeth said "yes!" as he bit out her tongue and spat it back in her face then in a rage smashed her head into the curb. 

The criminals in the city feared him although people in the newspaper asked if having a superhero around was a good thing cause they were afraid he would attract supervillains, but it was okay cause there were no supervillains after all, this was totally based in reality and noir without too much magic but it was still believable.

Fingerling continued walking along and was just about to murder a kid he saw grafitting a wall when suddenly the talking dog came up to him. "Hey little fella" said Fingerling all smiles. "Hey Fingerling what's up" said the dog. "Hey I dunno I'm just trying to find the truth out about the number 23 and also I'm cleaning up the city, you?" "I was lookin for you cause you're wasting your time killing random thugs every day like this, you gotta get back on track. I got a hot tip for you. Remember how you found out about Cancerhead when you went to a torture hostel?"

"Oh yeah! Fingerling said, "Torture hostels are big business these days. They got em up all over the place." the dog nodded "there's one that opened on the 23rd of this month right in the city, if you go there you'll be one step closer to the Illuminati and the truth about 23."

"Wow, thanks for the tip, bud!" said Fingerling. "Don't mention it" the dog said and scampered off. Then Fingerling ran up to the graffitoartist and tore open his ribcage.


	10. Chapter 10

Inside the Torture Hostel, Fingerling walked as his leather trenchcoat dusted the floor like a duster like he was in the old west or the Matrix. The paint was peeling and the carpet was stained with booze and love. He walked up to the torture receptionist, a cruel looking fat woman who was very dutch she had pigtails and was wearing those clothes that europeans wear.

"Torture hostels." Fingerling remarked "How I hate them, the Dutch who run these torture hostels. They are filled with beer and butter, I should like to roast them and eat them, their skin would become batter because they are so filled with beer and butter and perhaps their bloody guts and insides would become their jelly that I squeeze out so that it can cool because I don't want to burn my mouth."

The fat Dutch woman, filled with butter, schlopped her lips together. "Dabu, how may I helpen you shore?"

"Help me?" Fingerling said as he crunched his leather gloves together inside his fists, "How can you help me?" and then he leaned over and got all up in her grille. "You can help me by speaking American for one thing, you degenerate scum." Then he pulled out his penknife and stabbed her fat pudgy sausage fingered hand into the wood of the countertop and she squealed like a pig. Fingerling slapped her with his gloves and she spat out a tooth and blood as well.

"Meeshta, deesh is torture hostel, da? Dabu, you mushen make regishtry for to helpen maken me haven you gettin da big boomer. Mesa makin' you bombad general! Eesa you thinkin' you can walken in here, eesa you thinkin' yousa betta than the Dutch?"

"As a matter of fact, Fingerling growled while taking a long, slow drag off his cigarette, he looked really cool while doing it, "Yeah, I do." And then he headbutted the head of the woman and she fell unconscious on the ground and started a pool of blood on the ground. Fingerling bent over and dipped his fingers in the blood and tasted it. "Just what I thought," he said.

"Raspberry jam."

"TORTUREMEISTER!!!" he screamed and rang the bell on the counter. A man wearing a green hat with a feather in it walked in he also had on birkenstocks and was carrying beer steins in his hands. "I want some people to torture. This is a torture hostel, isn't it?"

"Dabu, disen be a torshure hoshtel, we be helpen you torshure all de promiscuous teenagers undt college kids you vant, da?" said the disgusting European as he stuffed his face full of chocolate cake.

"Heh." scoffed Fingerling, "If I want to kill teenagers and college kids, I can just go to the rave or the cabin in the woods. Don't you know who I am? I'm the horrible punishing superhero, driven by a dark personal past to find the truth, the truth about the number 23. I am Fingerling! Your hostel opened on the 23rd. You have 23 rooms in your hostel. 23 employees. 23 ways to kill a man, most of which cost upwards of 5,000 dollars per kill. 5000 divided by the date of your birth and added to the rising Aquarius is 46. 46 is 23 twice. 23 has two numbers in it, 2, 3. so far i've met two people in this torture hostel. Add me, and you get 3 people. 23."

"Daaaaa!" said the obnoxious fatso, "Oi did not rulise I had a sholebrity in mein housen, da? Cowme, meeshter Fingerling, ve shee you vish to have a speshul pippels for to torshure. You ken peek any froum my catalock, come." He pushed a catalogue of photographs of nubile young women and virile young men at Fingerling, pictures of the people you could buy and sell and torture at the torture hostel. There was the awkward virgin oh he'd love to bleed her to death and dance about in her spraying blood. There was the slut oh boy to carve her up like a thanksgiving turkey would be a delight. The jock, to slice off his monkey and gobble his pee-wees, how grand The nerd, he should like to cut out his eyes and solder the lenses of his nerdy glasses into his skull. But all that would have to wait until he was on vacation. He was here for business and not pleasure. "Sho, meeshter Fingerling. Whom vould you like to torshure, da?"

Fingerling smiled a smile you could see cause it was glowing from underneath his fedora which made his face totally black. He raised his arm and pointed at the fatty. "You."

Dutchy Mcfatterson, his eyes grew wide with terror and surprise.

---

Four hours of torture later the Torturemeister was hanging from his nipples, or what was left of them, a great big pile of guts and blood hanging from underneath him still attached to his gigantic tauntaun stomach. His horrid stench filled the air as he screamed and screamed a toothless scream cause Fingerling ripped out all his teeth.

"I dell you, eesh been yearsh shinse I sarve an Illiminatus!" he screamed, begging and pleading for mercy. "I do naw remember any such pippels in my torture hostel!"

"Oh-ho REEEEEE-HEEEE-HEEEEEEEEEAAAA-LLY?" Fingerling grinned dementedly. After four hours of this the Torturemeister knew what was coming next, any time he became Jim Carrey his tortures became even more horrid

Jim Carrey slapped the Torturemeister in the face so hard he swung around like a spinny jenny from the meat hook stabbing his whale underbelly of a body. "You look a mite peckish!" said Fingerling, donning a metal mask that looked like a bird. As the Torturemeister spun around, Fingerling pecked out his eyes with the bird beak on his face, using his rubbernecked talents to a great and bloody effect.

The Torturemeister was screaming but nobody could hear him. He was trapped in his own torture hostel being tortured by the instruments of torture that he himself had approved, with the soundproof torture cells unable to reach anyone's ears outside.

To complete his pun, Fingerling started stuffing great gobs of chocolate cake down the bloodied throat of the Torturemeister while laughing maniacally. The cake passed down his esophagus and then spilled on the ground cause his stomach had been severed and was lying on the floor.

"I don't remember! I don't remember!" he screamed.

"Oh I'm sure you remember." Fingerling scowled. "I'm sure it's at the back of your mind somewhere."

"No! No! No!" the Torturemeister yelled, horrified cuz he knew what was gonna happen now.

Fingerling took a chisel and a claw hammer and he broke apart the back of the Torturemeister's skull, leaving his pulsing ugly brain exposed to the air. The Torturemeister quivered and sputtered.

"What's that?" Fingerling said "I couldn't understand you."

"Doo... brazers..." "ENGLISH!!!" "Bra--Brathers... Illum...inati... Gobern...Gobernersh... Veelage, veelage ouf Vox." "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?" "VEELAGE OUF V--V--OOUAAAAXX!!!"

Fingerling rewarded the Torturemeiester for his cooperation by punching his brain into vapor. The corpse swang on the meathooks and said no more.

The Village of Wax. He had heard of it before, rumor had it that it was a fantasy kingdom ruled by two insane but genius brothers who lived in a House of Wax and kidnapped teenagers and college kids to populate their town, turning them into wax statues filled with meat and bones. They must have put an order in to the torture hostel to get a few new kids. A quick check of the Torture Registry back in the fat woman's reception office would tell him the location of the village. So, they were followers of the Illuminati? That explained how they got enough money to run an entire village of Autons, but why were they making wax college kids? He had seen enough of the followers of Baron Latos to know that they were steeped in spooky voodoo stuff, who knows what nefarious they have planned for their army of dead guys?

"Thanks for the help, brother." Fingerling scoffed and without looking at the suspended body gave it a playful pat on the back. He lit a cigarette, took a drag, and then tossed it behind him. The room burst into flames. He walked through the smoky corridors of the hostel as the fire destroyed everything around him. He could hear the screams of the kids stuck in the torture cells, and of their torturerers who were stuck cause you have to kill someone before the hostel lets you out, it's the rules. Fingerling had killed someone. The hostel opened its doors to him and he walked in slow motion into the cool air of day. Behind him, the torture hostel exploded.


End file.
